Pregnant Dreams

I had a dream last night that I was back in high school, but just as I am now: married and pregnant. I was self-conscious about being pregnant in high school, so I was consoling myself by reminding myself that I was married first and certainly old enough to be pregnant...and in reality I'm probably too old to be in high school. And yet it still made perfect sense that I was in high school at my age. I don't get it.

How Time Can Change So Much

It has been almost 3 years since posting or even being on this blog. Since then, I have been married, received my Bachelor's degree, and have become an expectant mother. Of course learning that I'm going to be a mother of a beautiful child has prompted me to blog again in the hopes I can manage the incessant thoughts that plague me. Before writing, I decided to read through my past posts and I was dying! I was so pleasantly surprised at my own self and how entertaining I was! (At least to me... Not that anyone else reads this). I loved seeing the world through my teenaged eyes again. I whined about things I knew were complete nonsense. I didn't feel like I needed to change the world; I was content! And that made me laugh and feel so light-hearted again. I worry I've lost my sense of humor and ability to see the world as beautiful and funny. But maybe that's part of growing up. But I hope my children can bring that innocence and carelessness back into me to a degree that I can avoid wrinkles caused by the constant furrowing of my brow. I sound so old.

Writing the Present Instead of Reading the Past

Early October 2016:
It's always this time of the year where I face the same heartache: homesickness. This year is especially special, considering that I recently came out of a relationship (that lasted two weeks, mind you) and I have a cold. And then of course there's the stress of school and work to top it all off. But that's nothing new. I have ten minutes before my next class and I was pondering why I feel the way I do. I'm smelling the familiar smells that are so ingrained in my memory from my freshman year two years ago and with those smells and the same lukewarm breeze come similar feelings. Why do I feel this way still? I thought I had gotten past all that, it was so long ago! I'm changed! I'm not that person anymore!
Yet that person is a part of me, it's something I've grown from, so it's still there, with all her memories and immaturities. 
But in all this I did realize that there is certainly something I can do. It's so obvious, so from the books and so cliche'. But so hard to really live. It's time to stop rereading my past and start writing my present more. I need to create new memories and live new, fresh moments, not associated with anything. Everything is new: new classes, new people,new clothes, new books, new experiences. Time to live now. No more climbing back to the past to avoid the hurt. Just let the grief pass through you, as it is so insistent on doing. Grief doesn't simply pass your door step. Even the blood of a lamb can't stop the hurt. Just live. It will leave when it's ready. And when you're ready.

Bugs

Today I was sitting outside enjoying nature and whatnot, you know, how people like to do sometimes. As I was trying to enjoy the warmth of the sun, the tickle of the grass, the chirp of the birds, there was this...buzz...crawling....
Disturbance. 
This certain type of flying weasel would slowly but steadily make its way toward me, ignoring my signals that, although I liked it as a friend, I didn't want that kind of relationship. It wasn't until I made contact to smack it away would it drive the creature away. 

Death to Physics

Physics is the illegitimate love child of Science and Math that just doesn't belong anywhere and shouldn't exist because nobody likes it except for other outcasts. I know it's important but I still hate it.