I have been on a constant rage in my head since this morning. My husband and I recently moved to begin medical school, but because of Covid (oh Covid), we have been very limited in the choice of people we have met.
About 2 years ago, my husband and I decided to leave [a certain state] because we were sick of the toxic culture of perfectionism (according to their standards...which were far from actual perfection), judging, fake-ness (so fake. Oh my gosh. Fake fake fake fake fake. SOooooooo fake), and many other things that cannot be summed into a few words. Sadly we ended up leaving some of the best friends we have, but for our own mental health we knew we had to leave. We moved to a good place, but found it difficult to make friends living in an apartment that can only comfortably fit 3 people at a time. Everyone else's excuse was "we have kids". Okay. Before Covid had even hit, I was a pro at holing up in my little apartment away from the world. Throw a new baby into the mix and boy, I had it made. Quarantine was a way of life for me.
It definitely wasn't the best time of our lives. We felt stuck. Andy was in a job he hated and I had no purpose other than to grow a human being inside of me. So you can imagine how excited we were to start school in a new place where we would be with people our age, in very similar situations as ourselves, and wanting to make friends. Almost instantly, we had invitations to people's houses and were inviting people into our home. Things were going great! We were making friends! Well, that's what we thought...
It didn't take very long before we started noticing how out of place we felt when we were with these people. The faces they made when I walked in to the girls' night, the unresponsiveness we received to anything we said, the annoyed looks when I happened to WALK THROUGH MY OWN KITCHEN IN MY OWN HOME TO GET PAJAMAS FOR MY BABY WHERE TWO GIRLS HAPPENED TO BE AT THE TIME. Don't even get me started.
Andy and I had decided to go all out. We spent the entire day, from 5am-5pm, making food--good food, too. Authentic carne asada on the grill, beans and rice, dips, (authentic) salsa, corn...the list goes on! And yet we still felt unwelcomed (in our own home, nonetheless). Dare we make a comment in the group conversation and we would get uninterested nods and "okays". As soon as I went inside to put our baby to bed, they all got up and left. Andy came in and just said, "I don't get it." What was wrong with us? Were we weird? Why didn't they like us? Did we always say something wrong? They were making comments way more controversial than we ever did. Were we boring? We tried to make jokes and have fun. We just didn't get it.
I had spent weeks stressing about making a good impression and making friends with these other med school wives. Multiple nights found me waking up at 1am, my mind racing, thinking over everything I said and how it could be taken the wrong way, how stupid I must have sounded, how I had done everything wrong, for at least 2 hours. I knew why they didn't like me. I didn't like myself! I couldn't blame them! I'm such a horrible, unlikeable person. I just had to keep trying, and be different each time. Next time I'd be quieter. Next time I'd try to share some stories. Next time I'd try... I was falling apart. This was way worse than I had ever felt in that previously stated state we had escaped.
We finally figured it out. These people were from that culture. These people would keep coming over as long as we invited them, yet they would never accept us as their friends. They gave us a chance but we didn't pass their friend test. They were nice, but we would never fit into their mold of the "right person".
That's when I got mad.
Anyway, so Andy was in a study group with this group of guys. After this marvelous dinner, there was no word from them. They had been getting together every week, especially when a test was coming up. But Andy was never invited. It was pretty obvious he had been exiled from the group. That's fine, he didn't really want to hang around them anyway. Plus, studying with them never really helped him. But then. BUT THEN. They have to nerve to ask him, nay, TELL HIM to come teach them the things he had done in his lab that they hadn't. Umm... EXCUSE ME?! No. NO. NO! How dare they? How dare they think they can throw us off to the side, very obviously show their distaste for us, and still believe we're so pathetic and desperate that we would cling to any invitation to spend time with them. I was mad, disgusted, offended, frustrated, downright ticked.
In my heart of hearts I so wanted them to know we did not need them. We were happy. I had purposefully stopped attending any get-togethers because I was tired of feeling like crap. I was done with coming home feeling like I had done or said something wrong. That nobody had wanted me to come. That I had ruined the whole night for them simply by showing up. This morning I kept telling Andy that he shouldn't help these guys. He shouldn't waste his time on them. Being a better person, he simply said if he was still in the lab when they showed up, sure he might help them. But he wasn't going to stay and wait for them. He explained that he simply didn't care anymore. They meant nothing to him, and he didn't care whether or not they knew it. But I want them to know it. Boy do I want them to know it.
I'm a terrible person, and here it is laid out before the world (though no one but me will ever see this). My momma bear just came out of hibernation. Nobody puts my family down, and that includes myself. No one is allowed to make the people I love feel bad about who they are, when there isn't anything majorly wrong with them. We are trying to be better people. We try to be good, nice, caring people. We are willing and happy to be friends with anyone. It takes us a moment to understand when other people don't feel the same.
I'm dissatisfied with this blurb, but I'll keep raging in my own head until it explodes if I don't unload it somewhere. These feelings are for the moment. Next week I'll get over it. I'll remember how nice these people always were and cut them the slack they deserve. But for right now, man, I'm just ticked.
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